[TxBigRed]

TOOLS EXPLAINED:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. It will also remove fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until they melt.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short to use in your remodeling job.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

****-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMM-IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to finish your current project.

[GreinTime]

*Disclaimer: These are hilarious, but should be taken with a grain of salt to the uninitiated*

Me and my technician sat here laughing as I read these out loud!

[AKweldshop]

Awesome!!!!!

[ejpoter]

There are times when everyone of the are true!!!!!!!!!

[Antorcha]

Bookmarked. I'll do the Spanish translation(not google) and post back when I'm half sober.
The boneheads at the hardwares here are gonna die.

[danielbuck]

haha! I think I can think of a few more, maybe we should add to this list

STICK WELDER: a device for testing your circuit breaker

MIG WELDER: a tool for gluing metal together and honing your angle grinder skills

TIG WELDER: an expensive tool for bending and blowing holes in metal and honing your hot glove throwing skills

PORTABLE DRILL: a tool for testing the strength of your arms and wrists and honing your round file skills to put the hole where you intended to drill it in the first place.

CALIPERS: a tool for marking metal

MEASURING TAPE: a tool for honing your "measure once cut twice" skills

[mcoe]

SOAPSTONE: a chalk impersonator that is great for marking on metal, particularly 1/4" past where you want to mark. It is often used as a precursor to the ****-IT TOOL


Love this, I about died laughing at these!

[Otto Nobedder]

CENTER PUNCH:
A tool for making a random circle of divots around the mark you wish to drill..

[Drifta-X]

I thought a power hand drill was designed to inform the user that long hair is no longer in fasion, and to help u remove it.

[Sprockmonster]

WRENCH: Another tool to circlify once hexogonal bolt heads because the correct size, no matter what size it is, had been previously used as a ****-IT TOOL and lost somewhere under something.

[xwrench]

These are hilarious. And at times very accurate

I have one more:

CREEPER: a tiny bed on wheels. Most often used for napping under vehicles. Particularly after lunch on taco Tuesdays.